SECTION TWO OF LETTER

This is the second section of the letter written to PASTOR1.  For context the reader should start at the Home Page of this website and then follow the path through various pages to get here.

And then I went to lunch with [REDACTED], I’m guessing in September 2019, and during that lunch [REDACTED] mentioned that he thought PASTOR1 was not being honest in how PASTOR1 presented the Instagram situation to you.

 

(Backing up here:  while I was interacting with CHCC / PASTOR1 on the Instagram situation, I realized that I was in “no man’s land” having been kicked out of CHCC and not really settled into a new church, and so I was consulting 2 or 3 men to make sure I was handling this situation properly.  I realized there was the potential for great chaos, and I did NOT want that so I was having some guys stay in touch with me on it.  At this point I don’t recall [REDACTED]’ involvement though I do know he was aware of what was going on and how I was handling myself.  I had FULL APPROVAL from the men in my life who were helping guide me through this process.)

 

So by the time [REDACTED] and I had this lunch in September 2019, [REDACTED] thought PASTOR1 was not a good man (which I think I’ve already told you about) and [REDACTED] thought “they” were possibly being dishonest about the Instagram situation.

 

And then maybe a few months later I was digging around in my computer and I found the “Not Good” documents in a prior draft form.  Apparently, I had moved the documents into a special folder on my computer while I was working on the situation, and I had left a Word document and PDF version in a folder that I completely forgot about.  If you look at the “last modified” date on the file linked above, it was April 27, 2019 – which proves it predates my email to PASTOR1.  The version I sent to PASTOR1 had more formatting, etc. but the same pictures, [REDACTED].

 

Once I found these earlier drafts, several months after my lunch with [REDACTED], I made a conscious decision to NOT delete them because [REDACTED] told me he thought PASTOR1 / they were being dishonest about the Instagram situation and so I thought I should keep these documents to prove things if I ever had to. 

 

That turned out to be the right decision, as I can now see.

 

·       END      -

 

 

PASTOR1, a version of the document “Not Good” is attached as “03 - Not good”.  This document lists approximately 7 of the accounts you were following and this document includes pictures from those accounts as of April 2019 (which is when I approached you about your content). 

 

In addition you were following the YouTube channel “Sailing La Vagabonde” for a year or two on YouTube, per your own admission, and in addition you were following a few “hashtags” on Instagram related to this YouTube channel.    

 

You were following approximately 7 different inappropriate accounts, which you acknowledged to me that you followed on purpose, and some of the contents of those accounts as of April 2019 (which is when the document was created) are included in the attached document.  As a reminder, this was public information garnered from your public social media activity.  You can tell from the “last modified” date in the PDF that this document has not been altered since April 2019 – which is when I came to you.

 

Because you chose to follow these accounts, the way Instagram works is that images from these accounts would show up on your screen.  PASTOR1, it’s one thing to follow one account on accident and then when you realize – as its images come floating across your screen / feed – that you followed a wrong account, you then choose to “unfollow” it – that’s certainly understandable stuff.  But that’s not what happened, by your own admission.  You followed 7 separate accounts (or so) and when you saw their content you did not unfollow them.  What you did was on purpose, with multiple accounts, with very sexualized images.

 

 

 

Finally, PASTOR1, I apologize for cc’ing the elders but per the email you sent me above you told me earlier that I had to go through the elders if I wanted a reconciled relationship with you.  And while I have no desire at this point for a reconciliation with CHCC or you until the letter to the elders is answered in full and the letter of even date to you is answered in full, I do recognize the possible constraint placed on you to have the elders involved in your communications with me and thus I am cc’ing them.

 

What we are now talking about is the very possible serious sin of libel, defamation and / or slander – and others - and before I proceed with serious challenges it is appropriate to first come to you and ask you specifically, exactly, what you have been telling my wife (and others) about me.

 

Obviously if you refuse to answer me there are other mechanisms available to me, outside of CHCC, to discover an answer.  This process would not be honoring to God and would be rather uncomfortable for you and CHCC, so answering me directly is the most biblical and peaceful way forward. 

 

Please keep in mind that in all questions I am not just asking if you personally told my wife, but also whether you told her in person while she was with another (such as WIFESCOUNSELOR) or whether you simply influenced others (such as WIFESCOUNSELOR) to communicate with WIFE, using them as your proxy. 

 

I think it’s safe for you to assume I have the ability to corroborate your answers and so this is an opportunity for you to tell me directly, yourself, answers to these questions. 

 

This is a fantastic opportunity for healing and a chance to be honest and come clean if there is anything to be honest and come clean about.  If you have behaved “perfectly”, answering these questions will certainly be no problem at all and we can just simply move forward in life after your answers.

 

 

Why are you interacting with my wife at all

PASTOR1, interacting with other men’s wives, especially vulnerable, estranged wives – is a serious thing.  I am NOT of the opinion that men and women cannot talk (Jesus met with and conversed with the woman in John 4 one-on-one in the open at the well) but interacting with other’s wives is certainly hallowed ground and must be treated with utmost care.  Especially from a pastor, toward whom there is a natural inclination for women to let their guard down.  Most churches take pastors interacting with other men’s wives very seriously as the attached document “04 - A Tragic Story” outlines.

 

  1. To the best of your memory, please document all conversations with WIFE about the Instagram situation.

    • The date of such conversations

    • The content of such conversations

  2. Please confirm yes or not to the following:

    • Have you ever had one on one conversations with my wife in past 2 years

    • Have you ever had one on one conversations with my wife about me in past 2 years

    • Have you ever had one on one, or group, conversations with my wife about your sexual habits

    • Have you ever touched my wife

    • Have you ever communicated with my wife in a personal way (outside of CHCC)

 

 

Did you accurately portray my handling of the Instagram situation to my wife

The narrative that WIFE seems to have is that I was manipulative or possibly that I threatened to expose you, and she is under the impression, apparently, that I owe YOU an apology.   For your convenience I have attached a copy of my email to you where I originally came to you about your Instagram situation.  As you can see no threats were made.  You responded to that email and I responded once again to that email, but no threats were made in the follow up emails either. 

 

The narrative from WIFE seems to be that I did something wrong in coming to you.  And, inasmuch as I did not talk with WIFE about this before she talked to others about it, her opinion of the situation would have only come from you or your proxy.

 

  1. It seems duplicitous to tell me “thank you” for coming to you about your sin (reference your email to me), but then apparently painting a different picture of my behavior to my wife.Is this what happened?

  2. If you were duplicitous, why do you have a desire to portray me negatively to my wife?

    • In other words, even if what I did was 100% wrong (which it wasn’t) why would you take the time to create further trouble in my marriage.What is especially concerning is that you tell me “thank you” and then turn around and create a wedge with my wife by apparently using a lie and deceit.

 

 

Why are you interacting with my wife in discussions of your smut

PASTOR1, regardless of your answers so far – even if you were 100% honest with my wife about your sexual deviances -  the very real question is this:  why are you even communicating with another woman about your sexual online habits?

 

  1. Why do you care what WIFE knows or thinks about your online sexual behaviors?

    • PASTOR1, as a husband this is a very serious question.Why in the world do you care what WIFE, my wife, knows about your online sexual behaviors?How many other women did you pull aside and tell about your online sexual behaviors?How many other men did you pull aside and tell about your online sexual behaviors?Why did you pick out my wife and tell her about your sexual behaviors and deviances?There has to be a reason; it was NOT random.

  2. Would you be comfortable with another man talking with your wife about his online sexual deviances when you are not around?In other words, a man just goes up to your wife and they share a conversation about his online smut as though he owed her answer about it.Would you let that slide?How would that make you feel about him?About her?

  3. Based on what I have heard from others, it’s obvious that you have communicated with my wife about your sexual deviances, even if it was by proxy.From the “Restoration Plan” you and others presented to me, it’s clear you present yourselves as being believers in accountability to others.

    • How many of the male pastors at CHCC did you pull aside and share information about your sexual deviances with?

    • How many in your Life Group at CHCC did you pull aside and share information about your sexual deviances with?

    • If you did not volunteer information about your sexual deviances with other male pastors and your Life Group, then please describe how you justify attempting to force me to review my own sins with my closest of friends and family as part of your “Restoration Plan”.

 

 

Did you misrepresent the nature of these accounts

WIFE appears to be under the impression that you were following ‘sailing channels’ with the occasional swimsuit girl in it.  Again, inasmuch as she did not get this opinion from me, she got this opinion from you or your proxy.  This puts me in a defamed position if you are misrepresenting what I came to you about.

 

  1. Did you tell WIFE or others that these accounts were mainly sailing channels with the occasional swimsuit girl?

  2. If you did tell WIFE, or others, that these accounts were mainly sailing channels with the occasional swimsuit girl, then please answer these questions:

  • Do you think the men who follow these accounts are interested more in sailing or more in seeing bikini girls?

  • What sailing content, exactly, is there in these accounts.I mean this literally:how often do they cover knots, tacking, jibing, sail management, etc.?

  • If you were truly interested in sailing, how many sailing accounts were you following and what were they?As far as I can tell you were following “sailing” accounts that included mainly scantily clad women on sailboats.I don’t consider that following sailing accounts just as I would not believe a man who purchased Playboy for the articles.

  1. In your emailed response to me back in April 2019, you acknowledged that these accounts were wrong to follow, that they contained sexually inappropriate content.

  • Did you acknowledge this to others, including my wife?

  • If you did acknowledge this to others, including my wife, what is your opinion as to why they think these are sailing channels with the occasional swimsuit girls?

  1. As you can tell in the “Not Good” document you were also following accounts about Fiji and much of the same questions above could be asked about those accounts as well.

  2. If your position and the elder’s position is that the accounts you were following are acceptable, and thus deserving of protection, do you think the men and women in the congregation and counseling circles would agree?

  3. If your position and the elder’s position is that this is no big deal and not worthy of administrative action – then where do you draw the line, exactly, on unacceptable online behavior?If this stuff is acceptable and worthy of protection, what moral authority do you then have to speak against ANY smut, or pornography, or LGBTQ behavior, etc.?If the word of God is not the absolute standard, then doesn’t everyone else have the same right as you to move the line of what is acceptable toward their own sinful biases?

 

 

Did you take the effort to misrepresent your online smut to my wife, specifically

PASTOR1, it’s one thing to interact with another man’s wife.  It’s still another to interact with another man’s estranged wife.  It’s even further to talk with another man’s wife about your sexual deviances.  It’s deeper yet to talk with an estranged man’s wife about your own sexual deviances.  But the granddaddy of them all is to talk with another man’s estranged wife about your sexual deviances, and MISREPRENT the husband AND your sexual deviances to this woman – the only goal of which is to create a wedge where this woman is further from her husband and closer to you.  Let’s see if that happened or not by continuing the questions.

 

  1. Why were you willing to create a wedge between my wife and I, when our marriage was already strained, by bringing this subject up to her as though I did something wrong?I have asked 3 times what I did wrong and you never told me.

  2. In other words, you knew that my wife was not in contact with me for quite a while.You knowingly interacted with her to create a narrative about your sexual conduct.Why do you care what she knows or agrees with regarding your sexual conduct?

  3. How many men at CHCC would be comfortable continuing to attend CHCC or CHCC counseling knowing that you give yourself access to others men’s wives and take that access as an opportunity to create a wedge between that man and his wife?

 

 

Is it possible that you are grooming my wife

PASTOR1, combining the questions from the last letter to you in February 2020 (attached as “05 - AGGRIEVED email to PASTOR1 February 2020”) with the questions from this letter, it is clear that there is a perceptible pattern to your behavior.  This is not random stuff.

 

As C.S. Lewis develops in his book “The Four Loves”, more specifically his chapter on “Friendships” – he explains that we develop friendships with people over things we have in common whether those things are positive (hobbies) or negative (such as cannibalism).

 

Going to an estranged wife to bring negative news about her husband has only one purpose: to further your relationship with her, and her with you.  “Hey, I know you don’t like your husband right now, guess what he just did to me!”.  And thus the friendship is created or deepened.

 

 

In addition if you have watched the movie “Spotlight” which is about the Catholic church’s priestly abuse, one of the victims (in the movie) talks about how the abuse started.  It started by the priest sharing a dirty joke with the target and now they have an illicit thing in common which worked to break down the sexual barrier between the priest and the target.

 

Now if you shared something bad about me (like that I robbed a store) that might be worth sharing, but what you shared was about YOUR SEXUAL DEVIANCES and inasmuch as you misrepresented them to make me look bad, it would seem your goal was to create a further wedge not just between my wife and I but to create a further bond between her and you.  Consider what C.S. Lewis wrote in his chapter on friendship:

Friendship, I have said, is born at the moment when one man says to another ‘What!  You too?  I thought that no one but myself….’ But the common taste or vision or point of view which is thus discovered need not always be a nice one.  From such a moment art, or philosophy, or an advance in religion or morals might well take their rise; but why not also torture, cannibalism, or human sacrifice?  Surely most of us have experienced the ambivalent nature of such moments in our own youth?  It was wonderful when we first met someone who cared for our favourite poet.  What we had hardly understood before now took clear shape.   What we had been half ashamed of we now freely acknowledge.  But it was no less delightful when we first met someone who shared with us a secret evil.  This too became far more palpable and explicit; of this too, we ceased to be ashamed.  Even now, at whatever age, we all know the perilous charm of a shared hatred or grievance.

 

So obviously I am not alone in realizing sharing dirty secrets is a way to develop a friendship and it’s hard to understand your behavior in any other light but to further a wedge between WIFE and myself, and also draw her closer to yourself.

 

IF ALL OF THIS IS TRUE, and we have indeed covered a lot of ground, this practice is called grooming and is a methodology employed by predators to lower the guard of resistance of their targets.

 

Please reference an article I wrote for my website and attached herein titled “Of Wolves and Predators” and is attached as “06 - Of Wolves and Predators”.

 

Let’s see what more we can learn about your behavior. 

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