SECTION THREE OF LETTER
This is the third section of the letter written to PASTOR1. For context the reader should start at the Home Page of this website and then follow the path through various pages to get here.
Just what are the extent and the nature of your relationship and interactions with my wife?
An expansive and exhaustive answer is appropriate.The more accurate I find your answer the happier I’ll be – and the easier your path forward will be - even if the content is unfavorable.
As outlined in the attached documents, there is gratification gained by men in interacting with other men’s wives even without sexual intercourse.You have previously told me, that you consider WIFE accountable to you.Using the power differential of a counseling or pastoral relationship to talk with another man’s wife about your smut is easily recognized as “grooming” in the world of counseling ethics.Do you agree or disagree with this assessment of your behavior and why or why not?
You are probably aware of John Ortberg resigning because he failed to prevent a volunteer who had an attraction to minors, from interacting with minors.If you haven’t heard of this yet, then here is a link:https://www.mercurynews.com/2020/07/29/bay-area-megachurch-pastor-resigns-amid-scandal-fallout/.Inasmuch as your Instagram activity shows a lack of sexual integrity, what steps did you and the elders take, and what were the dates of such action, to prevent you from
Interacting with other men’s wives, and women in general
Influencing other men’s wives for your own gratification
Are You Instilling Fear In My Wife
And finally before wrapping up I just want to understand – apart from all of the Instagram stuff – what exactly you are seeking to influence my wife either directly or through proxy.
I went to lunch with a man who was in decent contact with WIFE and he told me “AGGRIEVED your marriage is going to need several miracles and one of them is to get PASTOR1 off the case.” Now, he came to this conclusion NOT by asking me but by other interactions including with WIFE. This man believes WIFE is almost under the conclusion that I am unfixable, and things will never improve, and I will never repent.
As you know WIFE has not talked with me for over two years, except for 4 times through the counseling office, and I certainly hope you are not taking advantage of that by seeking your own revenge on my for me confronting you on Instagram. Hopefully you are not seeking to heap your own abuse on my by using my wife as leverage (“Hey WIFE don’t trust AGGRIEVED until he is right with CHCC.” And then you make my path back to CHCC so difficult that I am forced to write two letters…which go unanswered….and the cycle continues.)
PASTOR1 I’m hoping that you use your role as a pastor not to divide like a wolf (which pastors do indeed do and Scripture gives us plenty of warnings about predatory and false religious leaders) but I hope you are willing to have a marriage restored and a family blessed even if you don’t get out of it what you want.
I will leave this section alone for now and I encourage you to examine your heart before the Lord to make sure it is right.
PASTOR1, you know that I had concerns with you which I came to you directly about in an email in February 2020. You have provided no answers to that email.
Though I have kept this Instagram incident fairly private, I have indeed talked with others about this situation and it’s hard to find anyone who agrees with how you or CHCC has handled themselves. Perhaps nothing sums up people’s flabbergast than your question “What was Pastor PASTOR1’s experience in receiving that document” or something along those lines. Rather than being concerned about the holiness of God, or that you were stumbling others into sin – your concerns were how a pastor felt about his sins being brought before him. This was a very interesting reaction.
Inasmuch as I have written a previous letter to you, which has gone unanswered and inasmuch as I have written a letter to the elders, which has gone unanswered, I have decided CHCC is not the type of church I am interested in attending.
The word of God says that godly wisdom is easy to be intreated (James 3), which means that true wisdom from God allows questions and it does not badger or deny those who ask questions. But, rather, because it is godly wisdom it is accessible and approachable. I believe that it holds itself to be transparent – with Jesus himself even saying that he taught nothing in private (John 18:20). Refusing to answer questions is a “deal breaker” for me – and I think just about EVERYONE else I have talked with about this situation - and while you certainly have every right to run your church anyway you see fit, I am not compelled to attend it.
I certainly want to be careful. Though I am fully aware that Luther’s posting of items on the church door eventually brought great health to the Church universal – my greater concern is the issue at hand as it directly relates to my wife and my family. This specific issue will receive my utmost, and constant, attention until it is fully resolved.
If you don’t answer me I will not wait as I did previously with the previous letters. I will simply advance in separate forums and spheres.
A SideNote Of Other Concerns
While I will persist regarding my wife and family, it is not yet clear how much energy I should spend pursuing things further – even after reconciliation with my family – to see if this issue is larger than ‘just’ my family. Of course, if your behavior is “sterling” with no need for administrative or other actions, then your full and accurate answers to these questions will confirm that.
How Many Other Women Do You Claim Are Accountable To You
If I were to focus only on my family, but later find out that you are indeed involved in deeper sin, and that you are involved in creating wedges and false accountability of other women to you – if I came to realize this at a later date, I would feel extremely responsible that I did not take further action.
How Involved Are You With Smut and Does It Impact Your Accessing of Women / Girls Files
One obvious concern is that what was found on Instagram was just the “tip of the iceberg,” and that if you did something that brazen “in the open” what else are you involved with, and why did the church not have you under an accountability program (such as Covenant Eyes) already. The concern is how deeply the church looked into your smut to determine how extensive it was and whether they contacted women and girls to confirm the exact level of your interaction with them. The questions posed in my Restoration Plan do not assure me that CHCC really takes the sin of its own pastors very seriously --- so the concern is how much deeper is it and why exactly did the elders feel the need to “protect” it? What else is going on?
Are You Abusing the Legal Process, Under the Cover of Christianity
Another concern I have is that you create a contractual relationship with counselees such as myself, and that contract is perhaps unenforceable for two reasons, and also that the signors don’t understand the recourse they have as a matter of law.
It was signed under duress.
When I signed my contract it was the day after you helped orchestrate my wife leaving and the day after you personally gave my kids “wisdom points” to leave me.This is quite an evil thing to do in its own right, and one which I’m confident God will visit on you and the elders in your respective families and grandchildren if not repented of openly, it also created an environment of deep stress for a father.No other counseling options were offered to me and so it seemed I was given the proverbial “offer you can’t refuse”.
(“Hey, your wife is gone and your kids are gone…..if you want them back sign on this dotted line to take counseling from….us.”)
As no other options were offered on that date, the contract was essentially signed under duress which makes it unenforceable or will be liberally construed in my favor.
While you have subsequently suggested other counseling options – that was after the date of my signature – and since my wife is refusing to attend other counseling with me I have reason to believe that she is being pressured, or led, or given “wisdom points” that only counseling from CHCC should be trusted, or at least that I should first be on good terms with CHCC as a church before she re-engages.My suggestion is that, from a Christian perspective this creates a cult-like atmosphere – and from a legal perspective, it creates an environment of duress.I believe the overall tone of your emails PASTOR1 reflect me being in a place of duress and you leveraging that.I also believe duress is evidenced by your willingness to talk with my family about me behind my back, and do extraordinary things to harm my children, my relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, and my reputation - but when I come directly to you and the elder board you refuse to answer questions.In my opinion that is clearly NOT an open, inviting, respectful environment but rather an environment that operates on the principle of leverage and duress.
Inasmuch as I contractually gave up any common law rights, and yet I had no hand in mutually crafting the contract, some parts are also likely unenforceable or would be liberally construed in my favor.
I wonder if other counselees understand the serious role of responsibility the board of directors holds, including personal responsibility that goes beyond just words.I wonder if other counselees have felt, like me, that there was no true oversight and I wonder if they should be made aware that there are options and that they should have direct access to the board to voice concerns about their treatment.
I am concerned how many other men and counselees have been put in this same position as I was, and with them not having a certain knowledge, being taken advantage of not just spiritually but legally as well.
Are You And Your Department Acting Truly Ethically
There are ethical standards that the secular world requires of counselors. Not being licensed, CHCC’s counselors are not under those requirements. But inasmuch as you hold yourself out to be “Biblical counselors” you all should be under higher standards and it would be unwise to ignore, and worthwhile to be well–schooled in what the world views as certain pitfalls to be avoided. There are reasons for these rules that show a certain savvy to human frailties, some of which the counseling department appears to have violated.
The questions in this section do not need to be addressed immediately but it is these questions that, while they impact me, I wonder how far I should pursue things in order to prevent further damage being done to other women, children, men and families.
There is no doubt you are a very busy guy and so demanding an answer right away is unrealistic. Thus I will give you 72 hours for a response.
Of course, your complete honesty is paramount. It would not serve your purpose to have your confessions be anything but full and accurate. And, of course, your answers – when theological or administrative – must be consistent with your behavior and the behavior of CHCC overall.
Only written responses will be recognized. No attempts by you, the elders or third parties to reach me in a non-written format will be acknowledged or received.
There are two things that will drastically alter my patient and fairly private approach:
Do not attempt to communicate with anyone in my family about this
Do not attempt to contact me except via email (e.g.don’t call me)
Going against either one of these two requests will drastically alter the generosity of approach.
All of your answers must
Stand on their own
Each answer must be numbered per above and form a complete thought such that on its own your answer is comprehensive and complete
This means you cannot say “Please refer to my answer on #4”.
Not refer to me or any of my shortcomings
Respond to all of the questions.No questions, or “sub-questions”, may be skipped.
And finally, if you now realize that you have engaged in the serious sins of libel, defamation, slander, breach of confidentiality, breach of contract, duress – in one sphere; and pastoral abuse, spiritual abuse, emotional predation of a woman, emotional abuse of a minor, a cult-like projection of authority over another man’s wife, and more – in another sphere; and would like to pursue possible reconciliation on this, just send me an email, without prejudice, with the subject line of “CONTACT ME” and I will arrange for a third party to contact you. I will give that process 10 days.